Gifts Of Hope
For the past several years I have been invited by my dear friend, Louise Croome, to attend “Gifts of Hope”. This is an event that seeks to raise funds and awareness for the Alberta Council of Women’s Shelters.
In past years I have been seated at Lou’s table and I have enjoyed and been a part of the silent auction(by giving away an original painting) and have even performed with my sister, Paula, my song, “Hope Is”.
About a hundred women have attended each once-a-year event which includes a beautiful meal and a guest speaker.
Because of Covid the event was online this year.
This is Samra Zafar. She was our guest speaker the other night. She wrote a book called, “ A Good Wife: Escaping The Life I Never Chose “. I borrowed her book from Lou and look forward to reading it.
We’ve been watching the Netflix series, “Maid”, and it has really brought to mind how difficult it must be for women that are abused to leave their abuser and the trials they will face after they do. (It is excellent, by the way)
Samra was a wonderful speaker who told us a bit about her story ( forced into marriage at17!) and how she found out that marriage isn’t supposed to be about making a person feel terrible about themselves. Her marriage started off with emotional abuse and then became physically abusive, as they often do. She compared it to a frog in cold water on the stove. At first the frog feels comfortable and doesn’t notice the water heating up. But by the time the water is boiling, the frog is dead.
Here are some of the signs Samra told women to look for in unhealthy relationships….
1) Your feelings . If you're feeling bad. It IS bad. " Can't you take a joke? ", her husband would often say after a passive aggressive insult dressed up as a compliment. Sometimes there is just a misunderstanding of course, but if this happens too often, without apology or a change in behaviour…..not good.
2) A feeling of being overwhelmed. “You will be pushed into the relationship really really fast. The love is too much and all at once. “ " Little thorns in big bouquets of roses". Many gifts and promises of love and being pushed into a relationship immediately so that you are swept along and feel you cannot live without him and have no sense of self anymore.
3) Learn to recognize patterns and write things down. She kept diaries and was able to look back and notice the negative patterns.
4) It is not your fault . Be empathetic with yourself. You didn't see it coming and that's o.k.. It takes courage to leave an abusive situation. It takes courage to not put the blame on yourself. For example, you might say,“I’m a bad person if I go out with my friends….” This is one way he controls you.
5) Talk to friends and family. Ask them..." How do I behave around him?" Listen to your children and friends. Are you your natural self? Her children said, " You are more 'you' (since leaving dad and) with your new boyfriend….than at any other time".
6) Seek support and make sure you have people you can turn to. Abusers will try and isolate you and cut off your support systems. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. It can be emotional. Seek counselling if you can. The event "Gifts of Hope" creates as sense of community. A woman will leave 7 times on average before they leave for good. You will often fall back because you are alone and overwhelmed.
Samra’s new book.
Samra has a new, happier life with a good man. Her two girls love him. And she’s gone back to med school to help other women. In 2019 she was recognized as one of Canada’s 100 most powerful women. That same year she was awarded the top 25 Canadian Immigrant award.
She says, “ Find out what keeps you up at night, and what wakes you up every morning. What’s the impact you want to make. What’s the change you want to create. That’s your purpose. Then live it.”
If you feel like Samra’s story might be similar to one that you are experiencing right now, it’s time to seek help. You are not alone.
Be safe.
Peace.